Flos mind

life, music and stuff

Me

Hi, I am Flo. At the time of writing this, I have spent 32 years on this planet. About half of that time connected to this thing called internet. For about the same amount of time, might even a bit longer, I have known that I am not straight. Quite recently, however, I finally came to the conclusion, that I am not only queer, but also nonbinary.

Being addressed as a male was never a real problem for me. And I never had much dysphoria about my body – at least not based on my “biological gender”. To me, the binary of gender, the black and white, however, was always a bit weird and kinda hard to understand. The realization that I am nonbinary therefore was not the biggest surprise to me. It more or less was just a matter of putting a label on what I kinda felt for a long time.

Nowadays, I prefer they/them as pronouns. In German, that would be dey/deren. I still don't mind being referenced with male pronouns, though.

I am – more or less – not the most social able human being. Preferably, I'd even say I am mostly human incompatible. Thus, I often struggle to create meaningful bonds to other human beings. I do have friends, and I have some kind of human interaction in a day-to-day basis with my colleagues at work. Most of these bonds however are based on a singular interest or part of my life.

Some of them I know because of my love to electronic music and DJing. This might be the biggest group of people I would call friend. Even though there is only little contact to most of them nowadays. In parts, thanks to covid. And getting old...

The next group has to be political. I am fortunate enough to have a group of “political friends” that are more than political, but more personal. Still. I am only able to bond with them on political stuff. And even then, it's quite exhausting to me.

I know I am able to connect to people on a much broader basis. I already did a few times. And I really enjoy these times. I am just not really able to get there with most people.

I suck at small talk. I suck a chatting or getting to know someone. I am far too awkward with that. And I keep overthinking. Likewise, I struggle to even get, when someone is interested in me and I tend to look for standards in others that are high, maybe too high.

Human contact in general is exhausting. All the kinds of expected behaviors, the stereotypes and whatever that human interaction all requires is not my fortune. And still I feel quite lonely if I don't at least have some of that.

Which must be the story of my life. Needing and hating human interaction. Needing and hating humans.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8. That was back in the 90s. So no one bothered to look further. Thus, I am quite sure ADHD is only part of what causes my struggles with human interaction. On a personal level, I'd say there could be some form of autism. But I can't really be arsed to ask the professionals about that.

Interests

As already mentioned before, I am a musician and DJ as well as a politician. These two things are what I spend most of my free time on. If I don't, then I might just be taking a walk or got lost in another Minecraft modpack again.

First and foremost, music is the “hobby” that is most important to me. I've started DJing long ago a sill regularly just get lost whilst playing. The freedom of creative expression and the ability to create ecstasy just by combining two or more tracks, by blasting them at over 100 decibels means more than a world to me.

Music has always been my happy place. The thing I could fall back on. Music can – at least for me – make a bright day brighter and a dark day darker. And it all just depends on what I choose.

Politics is quite the opposite. I'd go as far as saying that that's the way I fulfil my masochistic needs. Not in a NSFW way, of course. Spending time on the campaign trail, running for office and – as of September 2021 – being elected city councilor is the most rewarding stress I ever encountered. And it – even if it sounds weird – is kind of a drug.

Minecraft – yeah I know, it shows my age – is what lost to politics in the race for my free time since I got into a 9 – 5, or in my case an 8:30 to 6 job. I spend years of my time creating great stuff and working – or building – with some of the biggest creative minds in the MC industry. And I at least like to think of myself as having been quite good at what I did. Nowadays, I mostly play technic based modpacks with my minecraft-mates. And still often end up in the same rabbit hole I did years ago.

And now?

Honestly, I don't know. In 2020, I started vocational training as a paralegal and intend to finish that in summer 2023. I am elected councillor with a term from 2021 to 2026. Thus, I guess I stay where I am right now – at least for the time being. And if I might wish for one thing at this point: I'd love to spend some of that time with another human being.